My Kind of Love
by AddieGreysPPPEvilRegal9119
Summary: After the affair, Addison and Derek try and make things work; flashforward 7 years later, what happens when Addison and Derek are now dealing with a son withh a form of autism so severe that only 800 people in the world have it? Can their marriage withstand such a test? AU; Season 2 and onward. Loosely based on a true story.
1. New York Christmas

**Hey Guys! I'm back with a new fanfic that's really close to my heart. Okay, so, I have this amazing job; I work for the Goodwill EasterSeals. I've been there...eh, roughly two months or so and, I love it...on most days. Goodwill EasterSeals has two small pre school and daycare programs and I'm fortunate enough to work at one that has a large number of special needs kids. While working there I've ran across several of the sweetest special needs kids in my life. However, there's one little boy whose story completely melts my heart. **

**There's a kid in one of the classes that I teach in who has a very rare form of autism called Phelan McDermit Syndrome, or PMS. It's such a rare case that only an estimated 800 people in the world have it. He doesn't speak, he has gastric problems and had to have a feeding tube placed inside of him, he isn't potty trained... He just started walking without any assistance earlier this year. He's so stinkin cute and has the sweetest disposition about himself. He came to school earlier this week after having had a seizure on Sunday(his first one was back in September). Sadly, the next day, we learned that he had a seizure the night before which lasted 13 minutes. We haven't really heard anything else about him or how he's doing. His story completely touches my heart and it inspired this story.**

**While this story is particularly close to my heart, I must note that I am in NO way a spokesperson for the little boy this story is based around or his family. I also must say that my story does NOT reflect Goodwill EasterSeals in any way. I only write this story to shed some light on a disease that's rarely talked about. I recently learned that there's a clinical trial that could possibly improve the quality of care kids with PMS receive. I must say that I do hope that you all enjoy, and that maybe this sheds some light on this disease, and other special little children like my sweet, sweet little guy.**

**Xx**

* * *

The lights shined brightly on the large Christmas tree that stood in the middle of their Manhattan Brownstone. The fire was burning as the sound of Christmas Carols played softly in the background. The smell of freshly baked Gingerbread cookies seemed to engulf the entire house. 6 year old Conner Shepherd sat happily in front of the fire as his mother sat with both he and his younger brother Carter, reading them a story.

_T'was the night before Christmas_

_And all Through the house,_

_Not a creature was string,_

_Not even a mouse..._

He had heard this story what seemed like hundreds of times during the holiday season, but it was his mother's favorite so, he endured it, for her, one more time. He knew that she wasn't doing this for him, she was more so doing it for his younger brother Carter. Early on, Conner had learned that his little brother wasn't like most kids. Carter was special, very special; not only was he special, but he was sick. No, he didn't have cancer or anything like that. Carter had a very special kind of sickness. It was how they had ended up in New York in the first place. Some doctors at the hospital where his mom used to work were doing a special type of experiment (a clinical trial his mother had told him) that could possibly help Carter and kids like him. Seeing that Carter's sickness had began to worsen, his mother was advised to move to New York so that Carter could be apart of the special study. This move meant leaving his home in Seattle, the one place he'd ever known. It meant leaving his friends, his school, all of the people at his parents job; most importantly, daddy wouldn't be coming along with them. That was something that Conner was having problems adjusting to.

"Mama?" He asked

"Yes honey?"

"Is daddy gonna come and visit us for Christmas?" Conner asked, his big blue eyes reminding of his father

"I don't know sweetie; he said he'd try" his mother told him before smiling down at Carter, planting a kiss onto his head

"Is it because of Carter?" Conner asked

"What?"

"Is daddy not coming because Carter's sick?"

"Conner, where'd you get an idea like that from?" his mother asked

"I dunno; daddy's been lately...is it because he's sad that Carter's sick?"

"Uh, maybe honey; I don't know. But hey, if everything goes right, maybe Carter won't be so sick anymore" Conner's mother said brightly with a smile

"Yeah! Because kids tease me about him" Conner said sadly

"They do?"

"Mmhm; remember when you brought Carter to parent-teacher night?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Some of the kids said that Carter was a retard"

"Conner, listen to me; your brother is not a retard, okay? He's sick, and he can't help it that he's sick, nobody can. I don't ever wanna hear you call your brother...that kind of name ever, do you hear me? Because if you do, you'll be in very big trouble; do you understand me?"

"Yes ma'am"

"Good"

"But mama what's wrong with him?" Conner asked

"Well, your brother has this thing called Autism; it's when he doesn't learn as fast or normal like everybody else"

"Oh. Is that why he doesn't talk and why he doesn't know how to wall real good and why he has seizures and why you have to feed him and why he has the feeding tube?"

"Yes, but I want you to remember that Carter is no different than you or anyone else; he's just...he's just really special, that's all. You understand Conner?"

"Mmmhm" Conner nodded as his younger brother looked down at him with a smile

"I love you Carter" he said, standing up and giving his brother a hug, making his mother as well as his younger brother smile.

"Mommy?"

"Mmmh?"

"Do you ever think that Carter can get better?"

"Yeah buddy, I hope so, but if he doesn't, we're gonna love him just the same, right?"

"Mmhm!" Conner said happily; however, that night before he went to bed, Conner got down on his knees and said a quiet little prayer, asking God to help his little brother get better soon. What he didn't know, was that his mother had been praying(something she didn't do much of before Carter was born) this exact same prayer. She also prayed that this crazy situation would somehow bring she and her husband Derek closer together, or else she would have to do what she felt she should have done years ago, divorce him...

_Chapter 2 to follow..._


	2. I Can't Buy Your Love

**I'm so happy that you guys are into this story; and thank you for all of your well wishes for the little boy that this story is about. This story will alternate between flashbacks, which start around the end of season 2/the beginning of season 3. I do hope you all enjoy, and thanks so much for reading!**

**Xx**

* * *

_Seattle-7 years ago..._

_Sitting on the edge of the bed in that godforsaken trailer, Addison Shepherd holds a pair of panties in her hands. Small, lacy and Black; they'd been in her husband's coat pocket. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know who the panties belonged to. She didn't have to guess whose they were. She knew that they weren't exactly 'okay' with everything that had happened before but, she didn't think that things were that bad that he'd cheat on her, in plain sight. She feels sick to her stomach, and not just at the thought of her husband fucking Meredith Grey at the hospital prom either. She doesn't notice when Derek walks into the trailer, fresh trout in hand._

"_Addison?" he calls out, pulling her from her trance; and that's when he sees it, takes in her tear strained face as she holds the panties in her hands. _

"_Addison..."_

"_Don't Derek"_

"_Addie..."_

"_Just don't" she chokes out, before she's hit with a sudden urge to throw up everything she's had in her entire life. _

_The panties drop onto the floor as she makes her way into the tiny bathroom, the contents of what she ate at last night's prom coming up. Derek walks into the bathroom, or rather, stands in the door staring at her. _

"_Are you okay?" he asks once she's done, but she doesn't respond. _

"_Addison..."_

"_I'm pregnant" she blurts out suddenly, watching as nearly all of the color drains from her husband's face_

"_You-"_

"_Don't worry, it's not Mark's; its yours. You remember when you decided to fuck me in this bathroom because you were pissed off that Meredith was dating Finn? Yeah, you got me pregnant Derek..."_

"_**I went out of my way to give a patient what she wants only to have it explode in my face" Addison says as she sits on the bed undressing after a long and tiresome day.**_

"**_I mean lawsuit, threats, Richard's pissed and don't even get me started about Alex Karev..." she says as Derek turns on the shower_**

"**_Get in the shower " he says suddenly_**

"**_What?"_**

"**_Get in the shower with me" Derek says, pulling off his shirt as Addison stares at him in complete confusion _**

"**_Honey, its a very small shower" Addison says as Derek only continues undressing_**

"**_Do you wanna have hot sex?" he asks, this question suddenly sparking her attention; she hasn't had sex, really good mind blowing sex, in a very long time_**

"**_Thank you" she says, her voice light and happy as she quickly pulls of the remainder of her clothes_**

**_Standing up rather quickly, Derek pulls her in for a kiss; and not just any kiss, a slow passionate kiss. It's a kiss of urgency, as well as need; he hasn't kissed her like this in, god years she thinks to herself. It should feel odd, but somehow her hands remember just how to thread into his hair. He remembers just how to kiss her in order to make her moan. They quickly stumble into the shower, Addison still in her bra, but that doesn't matter. All that matters to them, is how much they need each other..._**

"_We didn't use a condom" Derek says quietly_

"_It was the first time you'd touched me since the first Thanksgiving I spent here" she says quietly, quickly wiping at stray tears_

"_How far-"_

"_5, maybe 6 weeks" she says quietly as she moves past him_

"_Addison..."_

"_Don't Derek! Just don't okay!"_

"_Addison..."_

"_I don't wanna hear it Derek! I don't wanna hear it! I cheated on you, yes, once! One fucking time, but you, you had a whole relationship with her! I packed up my life, my career, my family, my friends! I gave up everything for you! I gave you divorce papers and all you had to do was sign them, but you didn't! No, you've strung me along for two whole years making me think that we had a chance! Do you really hate me that much for what I did with Mark that you'd really screw Meredith right under my nose and leave the evidence for me to find!?" she shouts at him. He's not sure of what to say really, because she's right; every single thing she's said so far is right. Though his silence only angers her, causing her to hit him repeatedly in the chest until she breaks down in tears._

"_I'm sorry Addison; I'm so, so sorry" is all that Derek can manage at this point. Everything he thought he knew, has just went straight to hell..._

* * *

Seattle-Present Day

Standing at the nurses' station, Derek Shepherd quietly filled out post op notes for his patient, 54 year old Jim Fields, whom he had just removed what was once an inoperable tumor from the left side of his brain. He didn't even notice when his best friend Mark Sloan stood beside him, staring strangely at him.

"What the hell are you still doing here Derek?" Mark asked, finally causing the dark haired neurosurgeon to look up at him

"Mark..."

"It's two days before Christmas and you're still here, in Seattle, doing post op notes. What the hell is your problem Derek?"

"Mark..." Derek said with a sigh

"Your wife is in New York"

"Because she left me"

"She didn't leave you Derek, she took Carter to New York-"

"But she also left me Mark" Derek said as Mark let out a sigh

"Maybe if you weren't such an asshole, she wouldn't have made the decision so quickly"

"She said she wants a divorce"

"Can you blame her?"

"Mark..."

"Next year will be 20 years for you two, and you're still an idiot Derek; and this time, it's got nothing to do with me" Mark said

"Yeah, I know"

"Why are you still here Derek?"

"Honestly? I don't know; I don't know anything anymore Mark. I haven't known anything since she told me she was pregnant with Conner" Derek admitted

"Do you love her?"

"Of course I love her, she's my wife, the mother of my children" Derek said

"All of that aside, do you, do you really love Addison Derek?" his best friend asked

"I honestly don' t know"

"Have you forgiven her?"

"What?"

"I said, have you forgiven her, for sleeping with me?"

"Mark, if I hadn't forgiven her, I wouldn't be-"

"We both know you only stayed because she told you she was pregnant with Conner, and then when she wanted to walk away from you, you convinced her to stay and then, well...Carter was born and then...you know..."

"He was diagnosed with PMS"

"Yeah" Mark said quietly

"I hate that; I hate that, damned disease. Why us? Why our kid?" Derek wondered aloud

"Maybe this happened so that you'd wake up and realize how much you love Addison" Mark suggested

"So you're saying that God punished us because-"

"Hey, I never said you were being punished; I just said, look at how much Carter being sick has changed Addison. Most women wouldn't have been able to handle everything like she's been handling it. Don't you admire her at least a little bit for how strong she's been?" Mark asked, causing his friend to think about just how his wife has been holding up since their son was diagnosed.

"She's been right there, not wavering; she's never given up on him" Derek said quietly, hanging his head in shame. While his wife refused to give up on their son, somehow he had; he had given up on Carter, as well as his marriage. His defeatist attitude was what had driven him once again, back into the arms of a waiting Meredith Grey.

"Derek?" Mark questioned

"...You think I've still got time to catch-"

"I'm way ahead of ya buddy; ticket's first class, red eye" Mark said, handing his friend the ticket

"Thanks man, you're a lifesaver" Derek said with a small smile

"Don't thank me, just go make things right with your family man" Mark said with a smile

"I will...hey Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"You still plan on coming to New York for Christmas?"

"My flight leaves tomorrow at noon" Mark said with a grin as he watched his best friend leave the hospital.

"God I hope he's not too late" Mark said before turning his attention to his own patient files...

_Chapter 3 to follow..._


	3. Sometimes The Truth Won't Make You Happy

**Oh wow! I'm so so so glad you all love this story; I have to say, it's very close to my heart for, various reasons. So as I said, this story will be mainly flashbacks, but I promise, the whole thing will all come together. I know, I know you guys hate Derek and Meredith, which I NEVER intended but, it just happened that way. Addek is endgame and Derek will (eventually) get his shit together. Thank you all so, so much for reading this. Phelan McDermit Syndrome is a very real issue and I hope that more people are informed about it. Again, thanks so much for reading, oh and Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays to each o you!**

**Xx**

* * *

Seattle-7 years ago...

_She hasn't spoken to Derek much since she found the panties; but he's done all he can to make her happy. He knows that making things work will be a long-shot but, he has to try. After all she is the mother of his future unborn son or daughter. After the initial findings, she'd taken a couple of days off work, mostly to cry and initially to find someplace else to stay; because there was no way in hell she was going to continue staying in that godforsaken trailer another day longer. After 4 days of being a no show at work, Addison decided to make a return to work. However, she decided that she would come back with a bang._

"_Okay, I'm warning you, Addison's coming back to work today" Derek said quietly as he pulled Meredith Grey aside. Things around the hospital had been pretty tense since the prom, with Izzie Stevens quitting and the entire Denny Duquette fiasco. Bailey has been under fire and the chief has been less than happy with the interns. With all of that going on, no one knew that Meredith and Derek had slept together at prom; well, no one besides Callie Torres who was being less than friendly with Meredith and Derek._

"_Why should I be...oh my God, she knows, doesn't she?" _

"_She does..." Derek said, quickly moving away from Meredith once Dr. Bailey had spotted them talking. Bailey was back to being her Nazi self since the prom scandal. After being highly reprimanded by other attendings, she now had a no nonsense attitude towards things, her interns especially._

"_I'm proud of you all, you make me proud; you reflect on me well. Grey, if you think you can keep your clothes on long enough to follow up the labs I'd appreciate it; Karev cover the pit..."_

"_The pit? Wait, I'm off gyne?"_

"_Dr. Montgomery Shepherd is out sick; you can cover the pit or you can..." Dr. Bailey said stopping short as her eyes became transfixed on the 'lost and found' section of the bulletin board._

"_You can tell me whose damn panties are on the bulletin board?"Bailey shouted as the entire surgical floor laughed, white all of the color seemed to drain from Meredith's face_

"_Are those yours?" Cristina whispered to her best friend_

"_This is a hospital people, serious work happens here. We save lives...oh is something funny?" Dr. Bailey asked her inters who suddenly stopped laughing as she turned to face them _

"_Who's are these?"_

"_This is bad, this is really bad" Meredith muttered_

"_You'd better claim them, she thinks they're mine claim them" Cristina muttered back _

"_No!" Meredith whispered as Dr. Bailey got closer to them _

"_Yeah, I know it's one of you; it's always one of mine, always. So, tell me; which one of you left your damn drawers on my surgical floor?" Dr. Bailey's voice bellowed as Callie Torres was about to step forward and claim them._

"_Dr. Torres" Addison said as she saw the dark haired orthopedic surgeon about to step forward. _

"_Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, I..." but before Callie could step forward, Addison very carefully walked towards the bulletin board, staring at the panties, causing the entire surgical floor to fall silent. After a few moments, Addison very carefully took the panties down from the bulletin board, holding them in her hands, examining them. _

"_Oh my God, this is bad, really bad" Meredith muttered, just as her eyes connected with the redheads. She stood there debating over whether or not she should hand the panties to the intern and embarrass her. Before she could however, Derek walked towards his wife, causing whispers to start._

"_Don't you people have things to do? This is a hospital people, get to work!" Dr. Bailey shouted as everyone slowly began to return to their normal routines, keeping an eye on the Shepherds._

"_Addison..." Derek said quietly_

"_Don't Derek" Addison snapped_

"_Addison, please"_

"_She's not even worth it, and neither are you...I hope you had a good fuck at the prom Derek!" Addison said, making sure that everyone could heard the last part of their conversation before shoving the panties into the front pocket of Derek's lab coat and walking away. Of course once the redhead walked away, all eyes fell on Meredith Grey, and instantly, the topic of conversation was no longer Izzie Stevens and Denny Duquette, but what happened between Meredith Grey and Derek Shepherd at the prom._

"_Panties on the bulletin board on my surgical floor! My head of neonatal is pinning panties on the bulletiin board?" Richard's voice bellowed_

"_You should tell your head of neuro that he shouldn't leave evidence of his cheating for the whole goddamned world to see" Addison snapped as the older man ran a hand through his hair_

"_Please tell me that you didn't-"_

"_What have sex with Meredith Grey at the prom? He did" _

"_Derek, please tell me you didn't..."_

"_Richard..."_

"_Dammit Shepherd! I didn't hire you to come out here and cause a scandal; I hired you to keep your pants up and do your job as head of neuro. This is a damn hospital, not some daytime soap opera; fix this mess now!" Richard ordered before leaving the two alone in the conference room._

"_Did you really have to do that?" Derek said, turning to face his wife who simply stared at him_

"_Don't blame me; blame my hormones" she said dryly before walking away also, leaving Derek alone in his thoughts..._

* * *

Seattle-3 months ago

Standing at the nurses station, Addison Shepherd beams brightly as the elevator dings, the sound of a happy child's voice instantly greets her.

"Mommy!" 6 year old Conner Shepherd says as he runs into his mother's arms

"Hi honey, did you have a good day at school today?" Addison asks her son, holding him on her hip, pressing a kiss to the top of his sandy brown curls

"Uh huh" Conner nods emphatically

"Where's Maria and Carter?" She asks

"Here we are; Conner is a bit faster than we are, isn't he Carter" Maria, the nanny says, her Spanish accent very heavy.

Again, Addison can't help but beam with pride as she sees her younger son, Carter. To most people, Carter Christopher Shepherd looks to be the picture of health. What they don't know, is that the 4 and a half year old has endure much hardships in his young life. Diagnosed with a rare form of autism at barely 2, Carter has faced many milestones. He simply gives his mother a huge grin and carefully toddles towards her. For Addison, seeing her son walk on his own is a miracle within itself. Placing Conner on the ground, she crouches down, holding her arms out so that Carter can walk into them. Just over a year ago, she never thought that something like this would ever be possible; but thanks to the staff at Seattle Grace Carter now walks on his own.

"Hi Carter, how ya doin buddy? Did you have a good day at school today?" she asks, ruffling her son's dark curls. This part, not having Carter speak, is the most painful part, she remains highly optimistic that one day, she'll be able to communicate with her son.

"How was he today?" She asks Maria

"They said he had a good day today, he was very alert, ate all of his lunch" Maria responds

"Did he nap?"

"Eh...a little"

"Well, a little's good" Addison says with a smile, planting a kiss on Carter's cheek as Arizona Robbins approaches

"Hey Carter, hey Conner, how's it goin boys?" the blonde peds surgeon asks; since Carter's diagnosis, the Blonde has become a very important part in the redhead's life, seeing as Arizona has foreseen most of Carter's treatment. She too remains optimistic about Carter's future.

"They said he had a good day at school today, said he was very alert" Addison says with a smile. Despite his condition, Addison insisted that Carter go to school like a normal kid. Thankfully, they were able to find a program that takes kids with special needs like Carter's. Not only does he attend a school where there are kids like him, but there are also 'typical' kids as well. It gives him a chance to interact with other children, giving him some sense of normalcy. He's made several friends since starting school and Addison has developed a few good friendships with a couple of the parents as well as the teaching staff.

"That's good, that's good" Arizona says, ruffling Carter's hair

"How's he doing with the feeding tube?"

"It can be difficult at times but, we're making it, right Carter?" Addison says to her son, also ruffling his hair

"Well, he's gonna need to check back in with Bailey to see how everything's healing up"

"I already scheduled an appointment with her for Friday" Addison says to Arizona, just as Mark approaches, Derek following behind.

"Daddy!" Conner says happily, running towards his father and godfather

"Hey buddy, what's up?" Derek says, giving his son a genuine smile, something his wife rarely gets from him these days. A smile like that is only reserved for Conner, sometimes for Carter, and mostly for Meredith Grey when he doesn't think his wife is looking.

"What's up Conner, high five pal" Mark says to his godson as the trio approaches Addison.

"Carter my man, what's happenin pal" Mark says also crouching down on Carter's level, ruffling the boy's hair; Carter in turn gives Mark a smile

"Ah, now there's something that can brighten anybody's day, a smile from Carter" Mark says picking the boy up

"You gonna say hi to your old man Carter" Mark asks as Derek gives his son a smile

"Hey Carter, you doin okay?" Derek asks, ruffling his son's curly hair. There are times like this when Derek just wants to cry, because it hurts him, seeing his son like this. However, he doesn't cry because he knows that crying will solve nothing. He does the best that he can by his son.

"How'd he do in school today?" Derek quietly asks his wife; the smile he once wore now gone.

"Good; ate all of his lunch, slept a little during nap time" She replies, her tone even, business like

"Good, that's good"

"He has an appointment with Bailey to see how everything's going with his feeding tube. Should I expect to see you there?" she asks

"I'll try"

"I take that as a no; okay, well I'm done for the day so, what do you say we go home boys, huh?" Addison says to her sons

"What about daddy?" Conner asks

"I'm pretty sure daddy's got...surgeries to do, or, something" Addison says to Conner who looks highly disappointed

"Hey, I'll be home in time for dinner Conner, I promise" Derek says to his son, ruffling his hair

"You promise daddy?"

"I promise pal; hey, I love you"

"I love you too, wait, aren't you gonna tell Carter that you love him dad?" Conner asks as all eyes fall on Derek; when it comes down to showing affection, he tends to be more open with his affection towards Conner. With Carter it's a bit more, detached; somewhat like his affections towards his wife.

"See you around Carter" Derek says to his younger son, quickly pressing a kiss to his head, not bothering to kiss his wife goodbye, not that she expects it or anything.

The remainder of the evening is fine; she sends Maria home early. Conner is working with Carter on matching the correct sounds to pictures while Addison makes dinner. Everything is fine, until Conner is screaming to the top of his lungs. Dropping everything, Addison rushes into the living room to find Conner in tears as he watches his baby brother shake uncontrollably on the floor. He's having a seizure, Addison realizes. Instantly, she pushes away her scared mommy feelings and goes straight into doctor mode.

"Conner, Conner I need you to listen to me; I need you to go and get mommy's phone and dial 911, can you do that for me?" she asks her son, who is visibly shaken at the sight of what's going on.

"Conner, honey I know that this is scary but, I need you to be mommy's helper so that we can make sure Carter's okay"

"Okay" Conner sniffles before rushing off to find his mother's cellphone.

Once Conner is gone, she quickly rolls Carter onto his side, making sure that nothing is blocking his airway. Once she's sure that its over, she cradles her son close, finally allowing herself a few moments to cry.

_Chapter 4 to follow..._


	4. Know I'm far from Perfect

**Hey guys! I'm sorry for the delay but, the holiday's were kinda hectic. I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas-if you celebrate it. I've got a piece of good news, the little boy that this story is based on, is doing much better, so thanks for all of your well wishes! As I said before, this story will be mainly flashbacks, with clips from the present as well. However, things won't come full circle (back to chapter 1) until much later. Right now, I'm kind of focusing on the events that lead up to the beginning of the story. So, the flashbacks will start from around the beginning of season 3, up until a few weeks before chapter 1 takes place. I do hope that you all enjoy this story, and thanks so so much for reading!**

**Xx**

* * *

_Seattle-7 years ago..._

She doesn't miss the stares she gets, some stares of pity and sympathy, others of anger and disgust. By now, everyone knows what happened (or what they assume happened) between Derek and Meredith at the hospital prom. The thing that makes this situation more complicated, is that Derek since then, has completely steered clear of Meredith Grey. Many were assuming that with this shocking revelation that it would be the end of "Addison-and-Derek". So of course when people see the Shepherds still together, it causes more gossip to spread. Derek looks miserable and Addison looks like she doesn't give a damn. So, if they're both miserable then, why the hell are they still together? That's the question that Meredith and her intern friends are desperately trying to figure out. That is, until Izzie Stevens lets them in on a little secret.

"Oh my God, I know why he's still with her!" the blonde says, her eyes widening

"Why?" Meredith wants to know

"Well, you know I'm still on probation but, I'm allowed to shadow interns and doctors and...well anyway, I was shadowing Alex and...I think she's pregnant" Izzie says softly, watching the color drain from Meredith's face

"P-pregnant?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure, because Alex had to keep warning her to take it easy because of her 'condition'"

"Condition? Condition could mean anything; she could be sick" Cristina says, trying to give her friend hope

"But who would cheat on their sick wife? Oh, sorry Mere, no offense" Izzie says, quickly trying to backtrack

"Cristina's right, it could be anything" Meredith says nodding her head

"...The fact that she threw up at least 6 times today-"

"Could mean anything; it doesn't mean that she's pregnant" Meredith says, although deep in her heart, she knows that this is the case: Addison is pregnant with Derek's baby, and he's going to stay with her. Once again, he chooses Addison over Meredith.

_xx_

"I'm not staying in that trailer" Addison says adamantly during couples therapy, causing Derek to sigh heavily

"I'm not moving into some, overpriced-"

"I never asked you to move with me Derek! I said that I, me, Addison, wouldn't be staying in that trailer"

"Why are you making this difficult"

"Difficult!?" Addison says with a laugh, turning to face her husband

"You cheated on me Derek, you publicly humiliated me-"

"No, you did that to yourself when-"

"Oh if you bring up the panties thing one more time, I'm going to scream! YOU CHEATED DEREK! At the prom, the hospital prom! Callie Torres caught you and was going to cover for you! You got caught Derek! You don't wanna be with me so why not divorce me?"

"I can't do that Addison" Derek says quietly

"No, don't stick around and be the good man in the storm Derek, I don't want that and this baby, this baby doesn't need that!"

"So you think it's best-"

"Oh please, the only reason you fucked me that day, was because you were pissed off that Meredith was dating the vet!"

"I..."

"Tell me something Derek, before that night, when was the last time you'd looked at me, touched me, hell even showed me any kind of affection?" she asks, watching her husband grow silent

"Exactly, you-"

"When you kissed me, that day in the NICU, and then again when I kissed you in the rain outside of the trailer. Look Addison, what you did to me, with Mark...that hurt me. You can't just, expect me to take you back and for everything to be okay again, like it once was" Derek says, causing Addison to sigh

"Derek, it's been nearly 3 years! How much longer am I going to have to pay for my crime!? Hell when I came out here, I had every intention of giving you divorce papers...if you really can't forgive me then, why are we still married?"

"...Because I can't just, you're my family Addison; that's 11 years of you being my wife, plus 4 more of us being best friends and dating. That's 15 years Addie, I couldn't just, willingly throw away a quarter of my life with you because you made one mistake"

"Then act like it! You haven't shown me any of what you just said Derek. Think about it, before I cheated with Mark, you were never there! I'm not excusing what I did but, you stopped caring Derek. When you realize just how I felt those last few years, then you'll understand"

"Addison..."

"How would you feel Derek, I had done everything you did to me, to you? How would you feel if I stopped coming home at night, I forgot your birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, our anniversary, I never wanted to have sex. I put work before everything and when you tried to talk to me about it, I told you that you were being irrational and ridiculous? Then, what if I started sending Savvy over to babysit you whenever I didn't feel like listening to you tell me that you weren't happy? What if Sav came over and spent every birthday with you, every Christmas, every anniversary, went to all of your hospital charities and galas. What if Sav was there every time you won an award, or was there every time you lost a patient? What if Sav was the one who was there eating your really bad cooking? You mean to tell me that you don't think that you'd grow close with Sav, sharing all of those things with her that should've been shared with me?"

"...Addie..."

"That's exactly what you did to me Derek? What if, you and Sav started feeling things for each other and, you slept with her, my best friend? What if I'd come home and caught the two of you in bed together? What if, instead of letting you explain I just...picked up your things and threw them out and threw you out? Yeah, what if I just, packed up my things and left for 2 months, never returning your phone calls? By some miracle, you find me, but by the time that you do, I've fallen in love with someone else? How would it make you feel to see me staring at someone the way that I should be staring at you? Tell me, what if by some miracle, I decided to take you back, but only so that I wouldn't look like the bad wife? What if I made you pack up your entire life and move into this, small, cold, dirty little place? What if you had to endure me staring lovingly into my lover's eyes? How would you feel if I never spoke to you, never talked to you only-"

"Addison, I get it" Derek says quietly

"Do you really Derek? Do you know what it was like, for me to find Meredith's panties in your coat pocket that night? What if the roles had been reversed? What if you'd found something of Mark's with my things? How would that make you feel Derek?"

"Addison, stop"

"No, how would you-"

"I GET IT! I get it Addie! It would hurt, it hurts, thinking about that, about you and Mark, it hurts!"

"Good; because now, you can feel exactly what I've been feeling the last couple of years" she says coldly before standing up and walking away, slamming the door behind her.

_Chapter 5 to follow..._


	5. I Can't Grant You Any Wishes

**Hey you guys! Happy New Year, I hope that 2014 is off to an amazing start for you all. I'm so happy that you guys are really enjoying this story and I know that you all pretty much hate Derek at this point but, I can assure you that things will get better for the Shepherds. Again, it's going to be a while before things come full circle again so, bear with the flashbacks guys. Again thank you all so much for reading this story, and I hope that you enjoy!**

**Xx**

* * *

Seattle-3 months ago

"Alright what have we got?" Owen Hunt asks as the back of the ambulance swings open. To the employees of Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital, today is just another ordinary day. But when the doors of the ambulance swing open and reveal Addison Montgomery-Shepherd, they know that today, is anything but normal.

"Addison, what happened?" Hunt asks the redhead as she carefully lifts a terrified Conner out of the ambulance, making room for the paramedics to wheel out 4 year old Carter.

"He had a seizure; I was in the kitchen, making dinner and I hear Conner scream and...he was just lying there Owen, his eyes had rolled into the back of his head and-"

"Mommy?" Conner asks, looking up at his mother

"Yeah baby?"

"Is Carter gonna die?"

"No, the doctors are gonna do everything that they can to help him, okay?" she tells her son, pressing a kiss to the top of his head

"I'll have Robbins paged and I'll have someone find Shep-"

"No just, can you, have them page Mark instead? I'm sure that Derek's in surgery or, whatever" the redhead says dismissively, quickly wiping at her eyes.

"Addison, he's Carter's father" Owen reasons

"Fine, page him...not like's he's gonna come anyways she mutters before walking into the hospital, Conner still on her hip.

_xx_

"Karev, Wilson, let's go we've got a 911 emergency down in the pit" Arizona Robbins says briskly to her pediatrics fellow and the young resident.

"What's going on Robbins?" Alex asks, walking as fast as he can to keep up with his boss

"It's Carter" she says as they enter the elevator

"You mean the Shepherd's son?" Jo Wilson asks

"Of course she means the Shepherd's son, why would she be calling a patient she's never met before by their first name?" Alex snaps

"Sorry" Jo says quietly

"Look, this is just-"

"Carter's a sensitive case, that's all Wilson" Arizona says calmly

"I...I mean I know there's something wrong with him but-"

"What exactly is it?" Arizona says, finishing her sentence

"Yeah...if that isn't rude or anything"

"Carter was diagnosed with Phelan McDermit Syndrome just before he turned 2; it's a very rare form of autism" Arizona explains

"Probably the rarest form...only about 800 people in the world have it. Its so severe that he doesn't talk, he's got digestive problems, he only just learned how to walk on his own about a year ago..."

"Oh wow; I've never heard of that before" Jo says quietly

"That's because its so rare that not many people have. Carter is the 800th case that we know of. Before the 90's, there weren't many other diagnosed cases because of the lack of genetic testing that was being done" Arizona says just as the elevator dings, signaling their arrival onto the main floor of the hospital.

"Addison, what happened?" Arizona says as she and Alex quickly spring into action.

"He was fine; Conner was helping him match up the sounds with pictures. I was in the kitchen making dinner and, Conner just started screaming. I ran in and, he was just lying there" Addison says, feeling herself get emotional.

"Hey, he's gonna be okay" Arizona says just as Mark pulls back the curtain of the trauma room

"Addison, what happened?" he asks

"He had a seizure Mark" she says, tears pooling her eyes

"A seizure? Robbins, is that-":

"It can happen, Mark; it happens sometimes to kids with PMS" Arizona explains, never breaking contact with Carter

"Are you-"

"Mark, which one of us the double board certified Pediatrics surgeon here?"

"You are"

"Right; I'm one of the few doctors who've treated PMS so, I know the symptoms" Arizona says, just as Carter's eyes open

"Hey Carter, hey buddy; how're ya feelin?" she asks the little boy who instantly looks around for his mother

"Montgomery" Karev says, and instantly, the redhead moves towards her son's side.

"Alex, what do you need me to-"Jo asks

"Conner; watch out for him, its gonna be a while"

Turning to the other little boy, the brunette haired resident gives a bright smile

"Hey Conner" she says, her smile faltering once she notices that the other Shepherd kid doesn't seem interested

"I'm Jo" she says trying again, but Conner still looks uninterested in what she's saying

"Try taking him for ice cream, he likes that" Alex tells his girlfriend in which she shoots him a grateful look.

"So, I hear that you like ice cream" Jo says once again with a smile

"You only know that because Alex told you"

"Okay so, why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself while we go get some ice cream?"

"Alright...mommy?" Conner calls out to his mother

"You can have one bowl of ice cream...just one Conner. Don't try and use your cuteness on Dr. Wilson either" the redhead warns with a smile

"I can't make any promises mom..."

"Conner..."

"Okay, okay, I won't" Conner says, taking Jo's hand in his, allowing the young resident to lead him away from the ER.

* * *

"What's with the kid?" Shane Ross asks his friend as she approaches their group, which consists of himself, Heather Brooks, Leah Murphy and Stephanie.

"This, is Conner" Jo says as the other residents draw blank

"Conner Shepherd..." she says as it dawns on them

"Oh! The Shepherds kid, right...I thought there were 2 of them" Heather says

"There are; Carter, is in the ER" Jo explains

"Oh, right the sick one...isn't he like re-"

"Leah" Jo says, quickly shaking her head nodding off in Conner's direction

"She was gonna say retarded" Conner replies, digging his spoon into his ice cream

"No, no I wasn't" Leah manages

"Yes you were; everybody's thinks Carter's retarded, but he isn't...he's got PMS"

"PMS?" Shane says looking completely puzzled

"Phelan McDermit Syndrome...a really rare form of autism" Jo explains just as Cristina Yang approaches the group

"Uh, why are you standing here gossiping and, Wilson why do you have...do you know who's kid that is?" Cristina asks

"Yeah, I know, Conner"

"No I mean, do you know who his parents are?"

"Yeah, the Shepherds; Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd" Jo says as though its pretty obvious

"...So, why is he here in the hospital, because I thought that Sa...Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd was done for the day"

"Carter's sick" Conner explains, looking at Cristina curiously, causing the Asian woman to stare at him strangely as well.

"I know you! You're friends with Meredith!" He points out, causing Cristina's eyes to widen a bit

"You know who Meredith is?"

"She works with my daddy all the time"

"Oh yeah, she works with him alright" Cristina mutters, just as both Derek and Meredith walk down the hallway, laughing and looking completely content with one another.

"Daddy!" Conner shouts, pulling away from Jo and surprising his father who quickly lets go of Meredith's hand

"Hey Buddy, what are you doing here? Where's your mother?" Derek asks, picking up his son who simply stares at Meredith

"She's in the ER" Conner says quietly

"What's she doing in the ER and, what are you doing up so late pal, it's past your bedtime"

"Mommy's with Carter...he got sick" Conner says sadly as Derek sighs

"What happened to Carter buddy?" Derek asks as Meredith looks at him sympathetically

"He just fell down and started shaking on the ground and his eyes went back in his head"

"He had a seizure..." Meredith says, her voice trailing off

"Yeah, one of those" Conner says

"I'm , I'm gonna..."

"Yeah, I know; they're your family Derek" Meredith says quietly as she watches the neurosurgeon walk away, carrying his son by another woman that wasn't her with him.

_xx_

"Addison, what happened?" Derek asks once he gets to the ER; she of course avoids contact with him, only taking Conner from his arms, pressing a kiss to his head

"Now where did you find your father?" Addison asks her little boy

"I saw him walking down the hall with Meredith" Conner says as his mother's eyes become full of fury

"Meredith? Really Derek?" she snaps

"Addison..."

"Lemme guess, you two were just finishing up a surgery" she says, the sarcasm dripping from her voice

"We were; Conner with was Wilson and the other residents when he spotted me" Derek says, trying to keep his wife calm, because he can already tell that the nurses have their ears wide open, wanting to hear more.

"Carter had a seizure" Addison replies, her tone stiff, as though she doesn't really want to deal with her husband

"What happened?"

"He had a seizure Derek, that's what happened" Addison says

"How long was it?"

"3 minutes"

"Where were you?"

"What?"

"Where were you when it happened?"

"In the kitchen"

"Our son had a seizure and you were-"

"Seizures can happen at any time Derek, so don't start with me! Don't start trying to play the concerned father role because last time I checked, you weren't home either!"

"I wasn't home because-"

"That was a routine surgery Derek, a resident could've performed it; you just didn't want to be home!"

"Don't do this, not now Addison" Derek says quietly

"What, you don't want people to know that when you aren't home you're really-"

"Conner" Derek says reminding his wife that she's holding their 6 year old son

"Mama...are you and daddy fighting?" he asks

"Your mom's just, she's scared and worried about Carter, that's all buddy. Hey, why don't you go hang out with-"

"No; he can go up the hospital daycare for a while"

"Addison-"

"No, you will _not_ humiliate me by subjecting _my son_ to-"

"I'll take him" Mark says quietly, holding his own daughter Sofia in his arms

"Conner likes hanging out with Sof, right buddy?" Mark says to his godson with a grin

"Yeah, I like Sofi...can I?"

"Yeah, can he mom and dad?" Mark says teasingly

"Sure honey, but be careful Conner...and make sure Uncle Mark isn't flirting with any other pretty ladies" Addison says, sending Mark a grin

"Don't worry, I've only got eyes for this one beautiful redhead" Mark says giving Addison a wink before walking off hand in hand with Conner.

"Nice, real nice Addison. You get upset with me about Meredith but-"

"You do realize that Mark is dating Julia, and she's a redhead right? I'm not the only redhead in Mark's life you know...but wait, you don't know because you're too fucking busy working or spending time with your little girlfriend to realize that"

"Addison..." Derek says with a sigh

"Why am I still here Derek? Why are we still doing this?" she asks, her voice much softer now

"Because we promised that after Carter was diagnosed-"

"No, don't bring up the promise we made because you walked away when things got hard. It's what you do best Derek, you walk away" Addison says sighing heavily as she and her husband stare at each other.

"...I'm gonna go check on Carter...I'll, keep you updated on him" she says quietly, leaving her husband left to stand in the middle of the busy ER.

_Chapter 6 to follow..._


	6. I Won't Promise You The Stars

**I'm so glad that you all are enjoying this story so much. I get how angry you all are at Derek...and Meredith. I promise you, that things will get better for Derek and Addison as this story progresses. Again, thank you all so much for your well wishes towards the little boy this story is based around. As far as I know of, he's doing good. As I learn more about how he's doing, I'll let you guys know since some of you seem truly interested in him. Again, I can't thank you all enough for your reviews, kind words, and well wishes. I can't say how often I'll be able to update this because I've started school. I promise you though, that each update will be worth the read.**

**Take Care everybody and I hope that your 2014 is off to a FANTASTIC start!**

**Xx**

* * *

_Seattle-7 Years ago..._

"_So, you're breaking up with me then?" Meredith Grey asked as she and Derek Shepherd stood in an empty stairwell one afternoon in between surgeries._

"_I...she's pregnant Meredith" Derek said quietly_

"_How do you know it's yours?" _

"_What?"_

"_How do you know it's your baby? I mean, she did sleep with Mark"_

"_That was when we were in New York"_

"_Are you sure Derek, because they seemed pretty cozy to me this morning" Meredith said_

"_This morning what, Meredith what are you talking about?"_

"_Didn't you know Derek?" Meredith said, a bit of a smirk written on her face_

"_Know what?" Derek questioned, his voice now tight, full of anger_

"_Mark works here now"_

xx

"_Mark Sloan, you go and you hire Mark Sloan behind my back?" Derek said, marching into Richard Webber's office a short time later_

"_What I do within my hospital is none of your business. I don't have to tell you every single person I hire" Richard countered_

"_First it was my wife and now Mark..."_

"_I brought Addie out here as a favor, the fact that you refused to divorce her is your fault. Mark Sloan is here purely because of business Derek...the exact reason I hired you; it was a business decision. Now it seems as if you've become less about business and more about having your personal life strew all about this hospital" Richard said frowning at the neurosurgeon_

"_My business-"_

"_Your business became my business the minute you had my head of neonatal putting panties up on the bulletin board"_

"_She-"_

"_She did that, all of what she's done so far has been provoked by you Derek"_

"_So her sleeping with Mark, I provoked that too?" Derek questioned rather sarcastically_

"_Don't be an ass Derek; we both know that Addison loves you more than anything. The fact that you basically walked out on your marriage-"_

"_I didn't-"_

"_Refusing to go home, missing Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries...sending Mark Sloan over to deal with your wife...you don't think that you were asking for this to happen?"_

"_I-"_

"_You can't justify it Derek; trust me, I was you 25 years ago. I did the same thing to Adele. I put work before everything and I forgot about my wife. Then, I fell in love with Ellis Grey, Meredith's mother-"_

"_You-"_

"_Cheated on my wife? I did; I was stupid just like you. I forgot about the most important thing in the world...family. You had that Derek; you had a woman who loved you, who would do anything for you. But you got caught up; you let work become more important than your family. The only difference between you and me, is that Addison had to turn to Mark Sloan, because you allowed him to become more of a husband to your wife then you were being to your wife"_

"_Chief-"_

"_No Derek; you don't get to come into my office throwing a hissy fit because I hired Mark Sloan. This isn't my mess to fix, it's yours"_

_As he stood there from across the surgical floor watching his wife quietly talk to his best friend, Derek Shepherd felt an anger rising from within himself. He could only see what he'd seen the night he'd caught the two in bed together..._

* * *

_**Walking into his house, Derek Shepherd had every intention of going upstairs and apologizing to his wife and this time, truly working on being the best husband he could be. However, what he found was something totally different; something that would change his life forever. He couldn't put his finger on just what it was that didn't seem right but, he knew that when he walked into his house, that his initial plan wouldn't be as easy as he thought. As he walked upstairs, he stepped on something; a leather jacket. Picking up the leather jacket and examining it, he immediately knew who the jacket belonged to; and in that moment, everything he'd ever known, suddenly shifted. As he walked further up the stairs, he heard a noise; he had a feeling that he knew what it was but, he didn't want to believe it, that she, that they would do something like that to him. As he walked down the hall to his room, he tried to prepare himself for what he would see. Stopping at the door, he noticed that it was slightly cracked open; a small spray of light that would allow him to see what was going on. His heart literally stopped when he heard a noise, a very distinct noise coming from his wife; a moan. **_

_"__**Ohhhh"  
He stopped dead in his tracks, because he already knew what he was going to find when he opened the door to his bedroom; he knew that his wife would be cheating on him. What he didn't expect was to find his wife on top of his best friend, riding him as he fucked her into oblivion. She was moaning and making noises that he didn't even know she could make.  
"Oh God, Mark!"  
"Mmmm Oh God!"  
"Oh fuck!"**_

_**He stood there, watching from the doorway as his wife rode his best friend, grunting her name lowly.  
"Fuck Red"  
"Jesus Addison"  
It was passionate, almost as passionate as the night they had conceived their child; the child that she was still very much pregnant with. He stood there watching as Addison gripping the sheets, moaning, her head thrown back as she climaxed, hard.  
"Oh God Mark! Yes! Oh God Mark"  
It wasn't until they've both come down from their highs that they noticed him"Oh my God, Derek!"  
"Derek, I'm sorry man"**_

_**But it was too late for that; he had already walked away.**_

_**He remained downstairs, watching angrily as Mark rushed down the stairs a few moments later.  
Once Mark is gone, he headed upstairs to deal with his adulterous wife. How could she do this to him, to them, to their family? Had he really been that horrible to her that she would do the unthinkable? Yes, he had been probably the worst husband in the world but, did he really deserve that, to find his wife sleeping with his best friend, in his bed, on his favorite sheets? No, even though he had done some horrible things to her, none of that compared to what she had just done to him. Once he was sure that Mark was gone, he immediately headed upstairs to their bedroom and began pulling out all of Addison's things, the bedsheets were obviously the first thing to go. **_

_**"Derek, Derek listen to me, Derek you can't do this! Derek We have to-we need to talk about this, you have to give me a chance to explain…what are you doing, what are you doing with my clothes?"**_

_**"Derek it was one time! I know that's what people say, I know that's what always gets said it's just…I don't even know how it happened, I don't know what I was thinking…he was just here"**_

_**"You screw my best friend and all you can say is 'he was just here'? get out"  
"No"  
"Get out"  
"No, No I'm not going, we need to talk about this! We need to talk about this Derek Please"  
"Get out of my house now" He shouted at his wife as she remained sitting at the bottom of the stairs  
"No I'm holding my ground. I'm holding my ground…we don't quit! We have to work…what are you doing? Derek…no!" He refused to hear any of her excuses; she had betrayed him, in the worst way possible; pregnant or not, she had to go. Angrily pulling her up, Derek literally shoved his pregnant wife out of their house.  
"Derek! Derek please!"**_

_**He couldn't stand the sound of her voice, begging him, pleading with him to let her back in. What he wanted, was to kill her; he had never thought he could be capable of murder but, in that moment, he was sure he could have killed her. If not her then Mark, because Mark knew better; what had he ever done to Mark to make him do something so vile to him? They were best friends, hell they were more than best friends; they were like brothers, seeing as Derek had 4 sisters. He would never be able to wrap his head around what could possess a person to be so, evil and cruel. He had no idea how long she had been out there, in the cold, in the rain, but he knew that she had to come back inside so he eventually let her back in, soaking wet and shaking.**_

_**"I'm sorry, I'm sorry okay, you have to give me a chance, you have to give me a chance to show you how sorry I am…I'm sorry okay"  
"I'm gonna go you stay I'll get my things in the morning"  
"No, no, no, no, no, we can survive this…Derek we can survive this…we're, we're 'Addison-and-Derek'" **_**_  
_**_**"I can't look at you…I look at you and I feel nauseous….I just…W-W-W-We're not Addison-and-Derek anymore"**_**_  
_**_**"If you go now…if you go now we are not gonna get through this…If you go now, we don't have a chance…we don't have a chance…if you go now…if you go"**_

xx

_Without knowing, Derek immediately walked over towards Mark and punched him square in the face, causing everyone on the surgical floor to look at him. _

_"__What the hell was that for Derek!?" Addison shouted_

_"__An adulterous love child? Nice, real nice Addison"_

_"__Yeah, which would go along perfectly with the adulterous sociopath that you are...if only that were true"_

_"__What?"_

_"__There's no way this could be Mark's baby" Addison said quietly_

_"__How-"_

_"__Because, our baby would be almost a year old by now" Addison said angrily, looking between both men before walking away, leaving the nurses with even more to talk about._

_Chapter 7 to follow..._


	7. Don't Ever Question

**I'm so glad you all are enjoying this story! I know most of you are excited to see Addison and the boys in New York, well, it's coming...soon! I've been debating on throwing in scenes from the present as well, but I don't wanna confuse you guys. There are two flashbacks in this story; the flashback in Italics are where the story begins. Then, there are the flashbacks that lead up to Addison and the boys going to New York. I can't tell you exactly when you'll see scenes from the present but, it won't be much longer. I should also point out something someone mentioned in the previous chapter by a reviewer. The flashback scene had a teeny typo; Addison wasn't pregnant when the affair happened...I mulled over whether or not this should add that part in but, I decided that it was for the best not to. Though I do have another idea for that little typo...you'll just have to wait and see.**

**Again, thank you all so much for reading!**

**Xx**

* * *

Seattle-3 months ago

"So, how bad is it Arizona, tell me" Addison said as she sat by Carter's bedside

"Well, we know that seizures do happen among children with PMS" Arizona explained

"So, there's a likelihood that this could happen again?"

"It can; but we're gonna put Carter on some anti-seize meds so, hopefully that should help..."

"But..." Addison said, knowing that there was more Arizona had to say

"Well...I know it's a bit risky but, Mount Sinai is doing a clinical research trial on PMS..."

"And you think it would be best if Carter was apart of the trial?"

"I think it would help"

"I don't know..."

"Which is why I didn't wanna bring it up" Arizona said

"Can I think about it?"

"Take all of the time you need" Arizona said

"His vitals look good; he's probably gonna be out of it for a while...poor little guy. How are things with you and Derek?" Arizona asked

"Not good" Addison sighed

"I assumed that much after the phone conversation you and Calliope had the other night"

"I just...I don't know how much longer I can take this Arizona. He's miserable, I'm miserable..."

"So why won't you divorce?"

"...We made a promise to each other, after Carter was diagnosed that, we'd try and stick it out"

"Doesn't seem like it's working" Arizona pointed out

"It's not; I gave up a lot to be here, to be with him. I left my job, my career, my family, my friends...I lived in a goddamned trailer for a year with him. He cheated on me, left his mistresses panties for me to find!"

"But you did cheat on him first" Arizona said, wincing slightly; she and Addison had never had this type of conversation. She knew that the two of them had become friends over the years but, most conversations like this, the redhead had with Callie.

"Arizona, I love, loved my husband; he stopped caring, started sending Mark over in his place to do things he should've been doing"

"Such as..."

"Derek...work was his top priority; that was his first love. He wanted kids at one point and I didn't...so he focused on work. Then when I was ready...Derek wasn't interested anymore. So, we fought about that"

"Can I ask, why weren't you ready for kids when he was?"

"We weren't even out of our intern year yet; I knew that starting a family would take time. Having a baby as a surgical intern...I wouldn't have been there for my kid. Working 100 hours a week...I barely saw Derek. I didn't want to subject my kid to a nanny and...I wasn't ready to put my career on hold just yet. I'd worked so hard to get to that point, a baby then..."

"I understand; did you at least tell Derek this?"

"Did I? He argued that we could've done it, because his parents had done it and they were younger than us" Addison said rolling her eyes

"Ah, sounds like you have issues with Derek's mother" Arizona noted

"No, she has issues with me; she's never liked me. She said I was too, rich and privileged for Derek"

"So what happened when you were ready?"

"He had become so, driven and focused on work that, well he wasn't interested anymore"

"So you guys fought about that?"

"No, what we fought about was Derek putting work before our marriage...in ever aspect"

"Every aspect?"

"Yes; my husband missed Christmas, birthdays, Thanksgivings...hell the last 3 years before we moved here, he missed our wedding anniversaries"

"Wow"

"You know, I had people tell me I was overreacting but, when I saw that my husband was taking on surgeries that interns could do, then I knew I wasn't overreacting. It was almost as if he were avoiding me. What made things even worse, was that Derek, when he couldn't be there, or refused to be there, sent Mark in his place"

"Wait, he sent-"

"Exactly. Soon...Mark was the one I started sharing my hopes and my dreams with. Mark was the guy who was there whenever I lost a patient, whenever I won an award; he listened to all of my speeches, ate my terrible cooking...hell, he taught me how to cook. He would make the drive with me to Derek's mother's house, to my parents house during the holidays...when I thought that I was pregnant, I was sharing my excitement, and then my disappointment, with Mark."

"And somewhere down the line, you started feeling things for him" Arizona concluded

"Mark's not just some, wildly inappropriate manwhore; I mean he is but, he's an amazing guy once you get to know him" Addison said softly

"So, you ended up-"

"Having a full fledged affair with Mark; I mean it was easy to do, since Derek was never around...except for that one night"

"The night he caught you and Mark"

"Yeah...I felt so guilty when I saw the look in his eyes. I never thought I'd do something like that to hurt my husband" Addison said quietly

"So you came here and..."

"I was going to divorce him; but he said that he couldn't just, throw away 11 years like that. Crazy thing is, we've wasted nearly 10 being miserable together" Addison said

"Have you thought about it, divorcing Derek?" Arizona asked

"I think about it everyday" Addison said with a sigh

* * *

4 days later

"So, they're finally letting him out huh?" Mark said as he stood in the doorway of Carter's room, watching as Addison placed his shoes onto his feet

"Yep, and as usual, Derek's nowhere to be found" Addison said with a sigh

"...You ever think about, my offer?" Mark asked

"You mean, leaving Derek, taking the boys and moving back to New York with you?"

"Yeah"

"I've been tempted, really tempted" Addison said quietly as Mark slowly crossed the room

"I was serious about my offer Red" Mark said softly

"Yeah, I know" Addison sighed

"So, why not take it?"

"Because Mark..."

"Why, what's stopping you Addie?"

"Everything, nothing" the redhead said

"What do you mean...wait, tell me you don't still love him Addison?"

"I don't know Mark; I mean, some days I love him, other days...I hate him"

"Which outweighs the other, the love or the hate?" Mark asked

"...what do you think it would've been like, if I hadn't had the abortion, if I had stayed in New York with you?" Addison asked, taking a seat on the bed, placing Carter into her lap

"Let's not rewrite history Red; you wouldn't have the boys, and we both know that you love them more than anything" Mark said, sitting across from her in the chair

"I could've had them...as Sloan's"

"Carter and Conner Sloan? Nah, those names go better with Shepherd" Mark said, reaching out to squeeze the redhead's hand

"Mark...about what happened in New York I-"

"Let's just let it go Red; it is what it is...but just in case you do think about it, my offer still stands" Mark tells her, just as Derek walks in, Conner in his arms

"Hi mommy!" the 6 year old says happily, jumping out of his father's arms, immediately rushing towards his mother

"Hi honey, what are you doing here? Where's Maria?" Addison asks her husband

"I gave her the day off" Derek says

"You, gave Maria the day off?"

"I did; Carter's getting out of the hospital today and, Conner and I thought it'd be nice to be here when that happened, right pal?"

"Uh huh" Conner nods before turning his attention to his little brother

"Hey Carter, you feelin better?" He asks his little brother, who simply smiles and holds his arms out to hug his brother

"Look mama, he's huggin me!"

"That's because he missed you" Addison says with a smile

"Hey Carter, how's it goin pal?" Derek asks as he walks towards his son, crouching down on Carter's level. Seeing Derek interact with their boys makes Addison smile a bit

"...That's why you stayed with him, for moments like that" Mark mutters from behind her

"Yeah...Mark, I-"

"I get it Red, you love him, you love your boys" Mark says

"I do but-"

"Hey, we may not have worked out, but, we're always gonna be friends, right Addie?"

"Yeah, friends...God I wish I wasn't so stupid sometimes" Addison whispers, tears welling up in her eyes

"You aren't stupid Red; you love him for the jackass that he is" Mark mutters as the pair continue to watch Derek and the boys.

_xx_

"So, what do we want for dinner tonight?" Derek asks once they get home from the hospital

"Pizza! C'mon Carter!" Conner says, carefully pulling his brother towards the living room where their enormous pile of toys await them

"Derek, you don't have to do this" Addison says quietly as she and her husband stand in the foyer of their home

"Addison..."

"What's the catch Derek?" the redhead sighs

"Why does there have to be a catch in order for me to want to be here?"

"Because its you, and you're not exactly-"

"Meredith and I, we're done Addie"

"So, because you're done with Meredith, you think that it's okay for you to just, waltz back in here and pretend everything's fine between us again?"

"I wanna make things right Addison" Derek says, getting frustrated

"It's not that simple Derek" Addison says softly

"I'm here, isn't that what you wanted?"

"What I wanted...what I wanted, it doesn't matter anymore Derek. All that matters, is what I want now"

"And what's that?"

"I think...I think I want, I think I wanna divorce Derek" She says quietly

_Chapter 8 to follow..._


	8. Cause When You've Given Up

**I'm posting this, because today, the little boy this story is based around, turns 5! I'm still amazed by the love you guys have been giving this story...wow! Any who, I'm glad you're enjoying this story so far! Oh, a****.nd I should mention that this chapter has 2 parts: it flashes back to when Addison was pregnant with Conner, to the recent present, picking up where chapter 7 left off.**

**Xx**

* * *

_Manhattan: 9 years ago_

_She finds herself staring at the positive pregnancy tests in her hands; she sighs heavily. This wasn't what she was counting on, it wasn't what she was expecting. She was pregnant...with Mark Sloan's baby. She looks at herself in the mirror and the sight is nearly revolting. Who was she? It was a question that couldn't answer anymore; she had become lost, her identity now gone. What was she supposed to do? Keeping the baby had crossed her mind, several times that day. Then she thought about it: she was still married to Derek, but she knew that he wasn't coming back. Now that she was pregnant with his best friend's baby, she knew that hr chances of winning her husband back were slim to none. _

_Mark however, was pretty excited about it; he'd even went out and managed to find a onesie. He'd even bought a calendar and marked the due date...which was about 35 weeks away. She was forced to make a decision, which isn't going to be easy at all. She had to decide, because Mark wasn't competent enough to decide because even though he said that he wanted the baby, he couldn't stop fucking other nurses long enough to commit. _

_Of course there was the Derek factor in all of this; he was still legally her husband. Yes, he had driven her to the point of cheating but, what she had done to him, fucking his best friend-in their marital bed...that was just, it was low. She felt the guilt of doing that to him. She also had to consider the tiny (and nearly nonexistent) idea that Derek could come back. What would he say if he found out that she was pregnant, with his best friend's baby? How would that make him feel? No, she couldn't do that to him, and she couldn't subject herself, or her unborn child to a life of uncertainty with Mark as the father. She knew what had to be done._

_Opening the door to her Manhattan Brownstone several hours later, Addison Montgomery (she's not using Shepherd anymore) finds herself not alone, which is what she wanted to be._

_"__I tried calling you" Mark tells her as she walks past him, her mind only focused on going upstairs and lying down._

_"__Addison-"_

_"__I'm going...I'm going to Seattle" she tells him, her voice dead of emotion_

_"__What?"_

_"__Richard Webber called, he needs me for a case"_

_"__And Derek?"_

_"__He's my husband Mark"_

_"__What about me? What about us? What about the baby?"_

_"__...There is no baby Mark"_

_"__What?"_

_"__I said there is, no baby"_

_"__Addison..."_

_"__I had an abortion today Mark; now please, please go home. I just, I wanna be alone right now"_

_"__Addison, I-"_

_"__I SAID GET OUT MARK! Go home! I don't wanna see you" she says, her voice breaking at the end before she bolts upstairs, slamming the bedroom door shut before flinging herself onto the bed, crying her eyes out._

* * *

Seattle-3 months ago

"Addison, Addison what are you-"

"I said, I think I wanna divorce Derek" Addison said quietly as she stood in the hallway of her home with her husband

"Addison, why? We said-"

"That promise is dead Derek; we both broke it"

"What?"

"The promise we made, to stay together after Carter was diagnosed...we both broke it"

"Addison, you have to understand; this is hard for me" Derek said

"And you don't think this is hard for me too? Derek I am here, in Seattle, a place that I hate! I gave up everything for you, my job, my career, my friends-"

"Because you cheated!"

"Oh God we're gonna bring that up again!? Yes Derek I cheated, but no one made you stay with me, no one made you take me back!" Addison spat at him

"I did it...I did it because..."

"You don't even know why you did it?"

"I did it, because those 11 years, those 4 years of friendship, those 11 years of marriage...that's 15 years Addie; it's 15 years that I couldn't, that I can't just, throw away" Derek said quietly

"But you have Derek! You threw away the last 3 years of our marriage before we left New York and you've wasted the last 8 years away Derek by cheating on me, by hurting me...by not loving our son-"

"I do love him! I do love him Addison; don't you dare insinuate that I don't love Carter. He is my son, and I love him, with all my heart!" Derek said, his voice heavy of emotion

"Do you Derek? Because with everything that's happened, since Carter's been diagnosed, you haven't been here Derek! You, have become that absentee husband again and I-"

"What, you're screwing Mark? Or maybe you had another illegitimate child and had another secret abortion" Derek spit out angrily, instantly noticing the hurt in his wife's eyes

"Probably about as many adulterous love children you've had with Grey" she whispers bitterly

"Addie..."

"Don't Derek; there's no way you can justify what you said. You wanna talk about me, fine...but just remember that Meredith was pregnant too" Addison said, trying her best to hide the fact that Derek's comment had really hurt her.

"Addison" Derek said with a sigh as he ran his fingers through his hair

"No Derek, you can't...I need you to go, please"

"Addison, I promised Conner I'd-"

"You got called in for an emergency surgery, that's what I'll tell him; it's the lie I tell every other time you decide that we're not important enough for you" Addison said bitterly

"Addison"

"What Derek? What, what the fuck do you want from me?" she asked

"I'm sorry" He said quietly

"Yeah? I'm sorry too; I'm sorry that I didn't walk away from you sooner, I'm sorry that I didn't just...get on a plane the minute I found those fucking panties in your coat pocket...I'm just..." she said, taking in a deep breath, trying desperately to calm her nerves.

"I never meant to hurt you"

"Bullshit; you want to hurt me and you know it Derek; that's why you took me back, because you wanted to hurt me. You wanted me to suffer, to feel the pain that you felt when you walked in and saw me fucking Mark. You wanted me to suffer, and I am! I am suffering, Derek; every, single, day. I have been suffering for...years now, way before the affair began! I suffered of 3 years of indifference in New York and I've suffered 8 years of pain, humiliation, anger...haven't I suffered enough Derek? I am, beyond miserable, I am...I am broken Derek; you, have broken me." she told him, tears now pouring down her face.

"Addie..." Derek said quietly, leaning forward to wipe away his wife's tears

"Derek, stop it; don't touch me" she whispered

"I'm sorry Addison, I am; I'm sorry for New York, I'm sorry for how I've acted here...I'm so sorry Addison" Derek said, pulling the redhead in for a hug as she sobbed on his shoulder

"Shhh, shhh, shhh; I'm sorry Addison; I am so, so sorry for everything. I love you, I love and I love our boys so much" Derek said

"Why Derek? Why are you doing this to me? Why are you hurting me?" Addison cried into his shoulder

"I'm sorry, I never, ever meant to hurt you; I promise, I'm gonna make it better, I promise you" Derek whispered, holding his wife close.

"Don't make promises you can't keep Derek" Addison whispered

"I promise, I'm gonna keep this one, I promise you that" Derek said softly, still holding her close

"Daddy? What's wrong with mommy?" Conner asked, standing in the hallway watching his parents hold one another

"Nothing buddy, she's okay...where's Carter?"

"In the living room playing" Conner said, just as Carter carefully made his way into the hallway

"Hey Carter, how's it going buddy?" Derek asked, giving his son a genuine smile

"Hey Carter, you okay?" Addison asked her son, also giving him an adoring smile

"You know what? Let's go out for dinner?" Derek said suddenly

"What?"

"Let's go out for dinner; we haven't been out together in a while...what do you boys think?"

"There's this new diner Conner's been dying to get me to try out; it's near the hospital"

"I went there with Jamie's mom once, it has real good food!" Conner insisted

"Well, let's go there then!" Derek grinned.

_xx_

"Derek" Addison said quietly as she sat in the passenger seat later that night, headed home from dinner

"Yeah Addie?"

"Why are you doing this?" she asked, keeping her attention on the beautiful Seattle night

"I...I messed up Addie, we both did; we both go hurt, made mistakes...but we're still here, together" Derek said

"Because our son got diagnosed with PMS and we vowed that we'd get through it together"

"But we haven't; we broke our promise...or rather, I broke it. I'm sorry about that Addison" Derek said as they pulled into the driveway of their house.

"I don't trust you; I can't not right now. I don't know if I ever will; if you're not serious about this, you should let me know now Derek because I-"

"I am; I'm serious about this, about us" he said before getting out of the car and walking around to her side.

"Derek, what are you doing?" she asked as her husband opened her door and knelt in front of her

"I'm serious about this, about us, you and I; and I'm gonna prove it to you. I don't care what it takes, but I'm gonna prove it to you" he said, leaning forward, pressing a kiss to her lips, just as Conner opened his eyes

"Hey buddy, you ready to go inside and go to sleep" Derek asked his son

"Uh huh" the 6 year old nodded, rubbing his tired eyes

"I've got Carter, you take Conner inside" Derek told his wife who simply smiled as she got out of the car.

"Alright; come on Conner, say good night to daddy" Addison said, picking the boy up

"'Night daddy"

"G'Night buddy; see you in the morning" Derek said quietly, ruffling his son's hair as he watches his wife take him inside, just as Carter let out a yawn

"Hey Carter, hey pal" Derek said softly, smiling at his 4 year old son who simply looked up at him.

"You tired buddy? Let's go inside and go to bed" Derek said softly as he carefully lifted the boy out of his booster seat.

That night, Derek made sure that he was the one who tucked Carter into bed, letting his son know just how much he loved him. He was on a mission, to prove to his wife that they were meant to be; and this, was going to work...

_chapter 9 to follow..._


End file.
